The hero shows her nobility

You know those terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days that happen even in Australia? Well, they happen here too. The scene: Exercise class in the church gym, overflow doors open to the kid play area; music blaring, a grunting lady yells "One set left, come on, dig it!" as the women punch air. A baby's cry pierces the air and a mom leaves the heart pumping class to care for a child. The infant won't sleep, 2 year old only wants to be held, 4 year old runs screaming down the hallway diving headlong into mom and the other kids. More tears flow-- only they are Mom's.

"Can I just go home?!? At least at home I can hide."

My friend's words pierced my heart. Yeah, we all have those days where we want hide and only come out when the kids are well behaved, dressed in clothes that actually match and are quietly, politely and very obediently pulling weeds and not throwing dirt. We want to present to the world a glorious and perfect home front. Reality isn't as picturesque. "Can't I just hide!" My friend's words pulled a rebuke from my memory.

"Nobility once exposed, can not hide."

Aerin's father is king of Damar. Aerin is the daughter of a "witch women" and has spent her life avoiding the crowds in the palace, feeling like a misfit, shunned in her father's house. Despite her anxiety, she was drawn to a higher purpose: dragon slaying. She perfected a fire proof ointment, mastered sword play, befriended a lame horse and went off to slay a dragon. Returning successfully, she awkwardly presented herself to her father, the king, and promptly retired to her room where she hid from the courtiers for days. Summoning her courage, she went to breakfast with her father where he gently, but firmly, reprimanded her and claimed her help in future service. Aerin had demonstrated her nobility and courage for the kingdom to see. She can no longer hide.

As a woman, mother, and daughter of God I have innate nobility. Like Aerin, I may wish to hide and avoid the stares of the world, or those who would scoff at the mother of four trying to protect her children from the world, trying to teach her children hard work while still keeping a clean home and eating home cooked meals together as a family. But I have entered the fray. I have declared my position and can no longer hide. Go ahead, laugh at my attempts and failures. (I don't blame you-- on good days I laugh at my life too!)

No HIDING! GET TO WORK!

The Hero and the Crown, By Robin McKinley

What is TRUE?

Elements of truth surround us, but the world "spins" a particle of truth for its own purposes. So how can you really know what is true?

When I was deciding to marry Bill, I searched for the Lord's council. I only remember one thing from General Conference April 1997, "if it feels good and it feels right, that is because it is good and it is right." I learned I could trust the feelings of peace as a thumbs up from above.
Alma expands on this theme in his discourse on faith to the Zoramites and gives benchmarks for knowing if something is true.

"Ye know the word has swelled your souls, ...that your understanding doth begin to be enlightened and your mind doth begin to expand.
"O then, is this not real? Yea, because is is light; and whatsoever is light is good, because it is discernible, therefore ye must know that is is good." (Alma 32:34-35)

Does is it make light what was dark before? Does it make sense? Then it is real and true.

Musings on comfort, peace, and joy

I love the words of the Savior found in John 14:27.
"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

I love the verbage that the Savior uses. He grants us peace, then invites us to discard the worry that would trouble or make us afraid. True peace comes only as we entrust the Lord with our worries, then work the best we can.

"But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things. Adam fell that man might be, and men are that they might have joy." 2 Nephi 2:24-25

When we trust in the Lord we can see that HE has a purpose in things. As we trust we are given peace that surpasses all understanding, and that peace allows us to feel pure JOY

Attention, Approval, Affection

My sister's blog inspired me to talk about what I have learned this summer. Like my sister and many of my family members, I get to live with a mood disorder - specifically depression. This summer my doctor suggested going off the medication I have taken for 7 years and trying a new one. The new medication didn't work well with my body, and I had 3 breakdowns in 7 days. During the week of craziness, I learned some things.

First, mental illness distorts reality. In the middle of a breakdown, the self-talk I hear is not true. What makes this hard is that the self-talk contains an element of truth, but in the moment I can not tell what is true and what isn't.
One of the med's side effects was dizziness. Being dizzy made it so I could barely walk in a strait line, let alone get the shopping, laundry and cleaning finished. I yelled at myself, "I can't do anything anymore!!!" NOT TRUE! Look what I can do: I can pray. My worth does not depend on the ability to get anything or everything done.
Or I would tell myself, "Because I can't do (fill in the blank), I am a burden to others. Life would be easier for everyone if they didn't have to care for me too." NOT TRUE!! I need more help from others when I am overwhelmed. God gives us opportunities to serve and be served.

Second, I learned about my worth as an individual. I like attention, affection and approval (the 3 A's). I feel validated, useful and loved when I feel the 3 A's. But my value is not based on the 3 A's. When someone doesn't grant me attention, affection or approval, it has very little to do with me and everything to do with the other person. It is not healthy to base my positive self-image on someone else's mood or inclination. The only opinion that matters is the LORD's. The LORD will NEVER withhold his attention, affection and approval from those who look to him. I can always look to HIM; He hears my prayers and answers them; He sends angels in the form of friends to bless and help me; He clears my mind and lights my path so I can see midst the darkness.

We're not worthy!!!

I have been annoyed with the term "worthy." So I looked it up in the dictionary so I could understand it better. Worthy denotes arriving at an acceptable or adequate level. I like that it is adequate and acceptable, not exemplary or extraordinary. I want to live certain standards, but I don't live them perfectly. It is good to know that I can be worthy and of worth because I live in a acceptable manner not because I have reached perfection.

What has made you think recently? What did you learn?

Most Perfect Laughter

Title character, Crispin, a 14th century English serf, is cast out of his village. Fleeing from those who want to harm him, he encounters a traveling minstrel named Bear, who becomes his mentor and helps him discover the meaning of freedom-- of thought and action.

I especially like Bear's thoughts on Jesus Christ.

"When I think on the perfections of our Savior, I choose to think most upon His most perfect laughter. It must have been the kind that makes us laugh, too. For mirth is the coin that brings a welcome. Lose your sorrows, and you'll find your freedom." (Avi, 96)

Sorrow and pain may seem the common fate of man, but JOY erases the burdens and pains of the day. When I think of the Savior, I will think of His smile. Go on, Smile!

Crispin and the Cross of Lead, by Avi, Hyperion Books for Children, 2002

Walk Two Moons

Thirteen-year-old Sal is traveling from Ohio to Idaho with her grandparents in search of her mother, who left and has not returned. Along the way, Sal tells the story of her friend Phoebe who's life mirrors her own. Beautifully written. The characters were universal- we all have had a best friend who is a little neurotic and paranoid; quirky grandparents; and fathers who don't express emotion well. I loved following Sal on her journey towards peace.

When Phoebe's mother disappears, Sal and Phoebe fear the worst: a potential lunatic kidnapping and a murderous next door neighbor. At the end of her journey Sal understands why she and Phoebe concocted worst case scenario versions of reality.

“It seem to me that we can't explain all the truly awful things in the world like war and murder and brain tumors, and we can't fix these things, so we look at the frightening things that are closer to us and we magnify them until they burst open.” (Creech, 277)

I can drive myself crazy about something small because it is easier to stress about than the really big issue. I tell myself I am angry because my kids are running around screaming. Not true. Is their behavior annoying? YES! Is their behavior appropriate? Probably not. Is their behavior the cause of my anger. No!

Anger is the emotion I allow myself to feel when I am overwhelmed with the world around me. I feel overwhelmed and out-of-control of myself. The need to control spills onto my children; I must control them. When I am unable to control them (I know internally that I can't) and I remember that controlling their behavior is not the plan anyway-- teach correct principles and help them choose the right-- I feel like exploding. There is too much stimulus internally and externally. I erupt, “STOP BEING SO SILLY!!!”

It is immensely easier to be upset about loud children than learning self-mastery. Louis L'amour said, “To destroy is easy, to build is hard. To scoff is also easy, but to go on in the face of scoffing and do what is right is the way of a man.” “We must do what we think we cannot,” Eleanor Roosevelt.

Sal decided that “bravery is looking Pandora's box full in the eye as best you can, and then turning to the other box,” the one with all the wonderful and pleasing things in life (Creech, 277). With a sure knowledge of all the terrible, we can fully appreciate and treasure the “smoothbeautiful” things of life.

Walk Two Moons, Sharon Creech, HarperCollins Children's Books, 1994